Pocket Kira
by Exploading albino potato
Summary: On a strange island small creatures called pygmies worship an unseen god...Light Yagami. Parody of the iphone app "Pocket god" Involves numerous deaths, multiple ressuructions, and several boys in hula skirts.
1. Chapter 1

One morning Near awoke to find himself lying on a beach. As he sat up and blinked his eyes, and then he noticed somthing else.

He wasn't wearing pants. Instead of his usual white pajama pants that matched the pristine white shirt he had on, he was wearing a skirt. A skirt made out of grass. Well, a grass skirt sure beat nothing ar least...He wondered if he had been kidknapped by a weirdo with a hula girl fetish.

Near stood up to survey his surroundings. The island he was on was very small, and the only things on it were a palm tree, a meteor, and some sort of statue.

Suddenly somthing, or should I say someONE fell from the sky.

The man was a chibi, wearing a lond sleeved white shirt and a grass skirt identical to Near's. His dishouvaled black hair was fixed with some sort of bone

Near ran over to him to see if he was alright, but he didn't appear to be hurt, despite having recently fallen from a great hight.

"L...?" The white haired boy asked.

L stood and proceeded to brush sand off of his clothing. He frowned as though a bit miffied and slightly displeased, though not terrified in a way at all.

The dark haired chibi detective looked at Near and asked "Have you any idea where it is that we currenrly reside?

"N-no...I just woke up here...wearing this skirt..."

L frowned and bit his thumbnail. "I wonder if this island has any cake..."

There was a pause, and then suddenly a high pitched scream filled the air and annother pygmy plumeted onto the beach.

He had blonde hair, also tied up in a weird ponytail on the top of his head. His shirt was black and he also had on the same kind of hula skirt worn by Near and L.

"Mello!" L and Near exclaimed in in unison.

"What the fucking hell? Mello yelled. "Why in bloody fucking damnation did I fall from the fudging sky and why the fucking hell am I wearing this godawful SKIRT!"

"I-i just woke up here, and than L, he fell from the sky, and so did you..."

"The FUUUCKK?" Mello cursed as though they hadn't heard enough of his profantity.

A moment later, yet annother person fell from the clouds. He landed face down in the sand and when he sat up he spat it out and shook it out of his black hair. He was dressee in the top half of a blue suite and a red tie and his skirt and ponytail looked like everyone elses.

"Hey...Ryuzaki! What going on?"

"Hello Matsuda."

"Why am I wearing a skirt..."

"Thats what everyone has been wondering..." Near sighed.

"Oh...cool..." Matsuda started swining his hips a little and doing some sort of hula dance.

"He doesn't even seem to mind..." Mello muttered under his breath.

Meanwhile, In the bedroom of Light Yagami...

"I love thr game pocket god, because, well...YOU'RE GOD!" Light laughed while his hair and eyes turned red for a brief moment.

"Humans are so interesting..." Ryuk chuckled, grinning his usual rapist smile.

It was funny though, because when Light had looked at the island of Oog, It was not a normal pygmy on the beach, it was a white haired one wearing a white top.

"What?"

Then when he pressed the + button to add more pygmies they also looked diffrent. Two of them looked like Matsuda and Ryuzaki...

"Kyahahaha..." Light chuckled darkly (lol thats an oxymoron) "This game is not just Pocket god...It's pocket Kira!"

*Insert fit of maniacle laughter*


	2. Chapter 2

In the middle of Matsuda's hula dance, Two more pygmies clad in the same grass skirts and wearing they're hair in sticking up ponytails fell onto the beach.

"ZOMG." Said the red eyed one. Is this life after death?"

"Dude, I'm not dead." Said the redhead. "And why's everyone dressed up in this hula girl drag?

"Matt, BB!" Mello exclaimed

"You know this guy?" Matt asked.

"It's a long story."

"Do the Death note fans know of me now?" Beyond asked Mello.

"Yup. Theres groups for you on deviant-art, and ,fanart and people cosplaying, and stuff!"

B then proceeded to glomp Mello.

"Are you dating this BB guy behind my back?" Matt asked.

"No way Mattie." The blonde grunted shoving the ex murder off of him.

"What exactly happened with you two?" L frowned.

"Oh B just possessed me for a while back at whammy's house and asked me to write a book so people would know of his awesomeness." Mello said casually.

"How come I never knew you got possessed by that creepy dude?" Matt asked, leaning up against the palm tree.

"You were too busy gaming to pay attention."

"And since when did you like writing?" Said the stripes clad boy.

"Since never, I just wanted to confirm that Near is a twit, by putting that in the beginning."

"So who exactly is everyone here?" Matsuda inquired, finally ceasing the swaying of his hips."I know Ryuzaki, but who are the rest of these guys, and that girl?"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A GIRL?" Yelled Mello charging at Matsuda and pushing him into the water.

"I can't swim, help meeeee!" Said Matsuda, splashing and flailing around. Then he sunk under the waves, and out of sight.

"...He won't be terribly missed." L said.

Within the next few minutes, some strange things happened. A meteor fell on L, some cocoanuts bounced of Mello and Near's heads, and a rainbow appeared.

A double rainbow.

"OH MY GAWD IT'S SO HOT! DOUBLE RAINBOW ALL DA WAY ACROSS THE SKY." Near suddenly exclaimed. His voice broke on "sky" and the usually calm albino fell to his knees, sobbing.

"Are you ok...?" BB poked Near.

Near stood up with a confused look on his face. "I am sorry, I haven't the slightest idea what came over me." He said in his usual monotone.

Suddenly, winds swirled and the scene changed. All five pygmies stood on another island. Surveying their surroundings they found the new location had a tree, a fire pit, some wood on the ground, and some sort of little shack.

"We could make a fire...said L." picking up a pice of wood and placing it in the fire pit Mello and Near did the same.

"We don't have any matches..." L noticed.

As if on cue, storm clouds rolled in. Lightening flashed and bolt of lightening struck the wood and made a fire. Annother bolt hit Near, who got electrocuted, and then crumbled into charred bits of dust.

Mello stood with wide eyes, looking at the spot where Near once stood.

"Near is...dead...He's...Dead...That means...I AM NUMBER ONE!"

Mello, this is a very unfortunate time. We just lost a very great and intelligent person. L said sadly.

"Erm...yes but...I'm still number one, right?"

Matt went inside the shack, which turned out to be an outhouse.

"What's in there?" Asked Beyond "Dead bodies?"

"No, BB, it's just a bathroom."

"Oh."

Just then Three pygmies fell from the clouds.

Matsuda, Near, and...Charlie?

"NOOOOOOOO THE DEMON SHEEP IS BAAACK!" Mello cried in despair. He buried his face in his mhands. Matt tried patting his shoulder to comfort him.

"It's ok Mells, Your still number one in sexyness and not looking like a sheepness..."

"I guess..." Mello grumbled.

"Oh great Matsuda's back L facepalmed.

"Lawli...There a creepy guy..." BB said.

"You mean yourself?"

"No I mean the tiger guy with Adonis DNA..."

Then Charlie sliced Beyond in half.

"Only normal people need sleep." Said Charlie.

"IKR?" Agreed L.

"But I saw you sleep before, in that same position you sit in, in your chair..." Said Matsuda.

"Shut up Matsuda."


	3. Chapter 3

Light was feeling frustrated. He knew he could kill his rival as many times as he wanted but L would just come back...

"Hmmm..." Light tapped on one if the islands.

Suddenly all the pygmies found themselves in another location. He tapped the stone door and threw Mello inside, so all the pygmies followed. In the chamber was a long rectangular pit filled with some  
sort of gas.

"Whoa what is that?" Wondered Matt, pointing at a pedestal over the gas.

Then some invisible force picked up L and plopped him onto the gold platform.

We'll Soon find out. BB answered.

Charlie was just busy slicing Near in half, and Mello was cheering him on.

Matsuda accidentally fell off the floor. (in pocket god it's possible)

Grinning, Kira adjusted the platform using a lever so it was closeted to the door the had entered. He tapped the gas and, with a flash of sparkles...L transformed into...an old guy?

Light placed "Old fart L" on the ground, where he immediately fell onto the floor.

"Hey, hey you!" He snapped at Charlie. "Pick me up!"

Charlie just mumbled something about being a warlock, and electrocuted Matt.

"I'll pick you up!" Said Mello. Once L was on his feet again. He asked "W-where am I? Who am I? Who're you?"

"Your L, a fucktard detective!" Said BB.

"L is awesome!" Mello said. "I'm Mello, your best successor."

"Oh..." L randomly crapped on the floor

"What kid of cake did you eat?" BB wrinkled his nose.L

(He's a germ freak so if was no wonder that he was grossed out)

Ok, enough playing around, Light had to kill L now. He tapped the grey haired Ryuzaki so he fell off the floor, clutching his chest, having a heart attack.

"Zomigosh L!"Mello cried, watching his idol die

"Yes! L is deeeaaadddd! "I are god!"

And so Light was god of his perfect world.  
The end.

NAHHH JK!

Just to make sure Light pressed the + button.

L plopped out of the sky looking normal.

"Hey guys I'm back!" He smiled and waved.

"FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" Light yelled, His eyes and hair turning scarlet with fury.

Then the god-wannabe brought them all to dinosaur island where he burned L alive over the campfire. Didn't work. Neither did being flicked into a volcano, or being eaten by a shark.

"Fine...how about plague?" He smirked. After they slid down the chute in the locust room, they reached a dimly lit dungeon with a fountain. In the center was a stack of stone skulls spewing noxious green (water?)

Light picked up L and dropped his into the pool of foul liquid. To everyone's surprise, he started splashing around enthusiastically.

"What happened to you being a genius?" Beyond asked.

"Whee this is fun!" He said

"Eww that water is totally not sanitary!" BB exclaimed with horror.

Then Light figured he'd dispose of the successors as well, so seconds later M and N were having fun in the disgusting fountain as well.

The invisible force then lifted the trio out of the fountain and set them on the cold damp floor.

"I don't feel so good..." Said Near groggily. His legs felt tired from walking around the islands, and since playing in the fountain he'd felt a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach was making it worse.

"I knew that fountain was dangerous!" Said BB.

The albino pigmy leaned on Mello's arm for support, but was immediately shoved to the ground. A moment later Mello vomited all over the floor, though it disappeared almost instantly.

"Your sick too?" Said the red eyed one. taking a step backwards.

"I'm not sick, Near just touched me! That'd be enough to make anyone puke!"

L started coughing up a hardly natural looking green liquid.

"Gosh Near, stop touching people!" The diseased blonde exclaimed.

"But I didn't touch him!" Near sneezed on Matt (unintentionally).

In a few moments Matt was sneezing, coughing, and puking along with all the others.

"AHHHHHH GERMS!OHMIDGAWD I'M GONNA DIIIIIIIIEEEEE!" BB shrieked, running around in madness "IIIII HHHHAAAAATEEE GGGGGGGGEEEEEEEERRRRRRMMMMMM MMSSSSSS"


	4. Chapter 4

In the room next to the plague room was another fountain, this one flowing with hand sanitizer.

"SANITIZER! SCREAMED BB diving head first into the purell. When the red eyed freak stepped out of the fountain, a cluster of sparkles surrounded him.

"Whee!" He said gleefully, squirting sanitizer at Matsuda, who also got a sparkle aura.

"This is awesome! :D" said Matsuda "sparkles for the world!"

A moment later, the sparklies tore BB apart.

"Ok...n-not awesome..." Said Matsuda, nervously trying to rid himself of the purell. In the process of doing so, some got on Near. Near squirted the purell and it hit Mello.

"HOW DARE YOU TOCH ME YOU ALBINO PIECE OF POO!"

"I was aiming for L..."

"THAT'S IT, I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" Mello roared, fed up with all this nonsense and deprived of his precious chocolate. "EVERYONE HERE IS SO GODDAM ANNOYING!"

He reached into the front of his hula skirt and pulled out a gun that he didn't even know was in there.

"We'll whadda you know?" He said looking at it, his discovery temporarily quelling his rage.

"How the...?" Matt gawked at him, wondering how a grass skirt could possibly hold a gun and how Mello hadn't even noticed.

A moment later Mello was back in rage mode.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!  
A series of loud gunshots were heard throughout the purification room.

Soon everyone lay dead.

"Haha! Peace at last! No more annoying twit Near, or germ-freak Beyond or. ..hey Matt where'd you go?"

Then he realized he had shot his poor boyfriend along with everyone else.

"Matt! I'm sorry I didn't mean to shoot you!" He said to the Pygmy corpse. "I guess you weren't just being an ass when you said I needed an anger management class..." He sniffed.

Then Matt's body was gone. It just disappeared with all the others.

...Then five pygmies fell from the sky, even though the purification room is underground.

"Your back!" Mello looked up from his place on the floor to see everyone, including Mattie, perfectly fine.

"Yeah dumbass." The goggled eyed boy rolled his eyes. "We always come back, remember?"

"I'm just so sick of this Matt! I need chocolate right now!" He balled his hands into fists.

"Yeah and I really need to get back to the battle between my robots." Near said emotionlessly twirling his hair.

"And I'm sick of cocoanuts, I want cake." Said L.

"And I want to go watch Akazukin Chacha!" Said B.

"Well..." Started Matt. "I AM a hacker and this IS an electronic device were in..."

He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, lightening bursting out of his open palms. The room started spinning as Matt mumbled tecchy geeky hackery things under his breath.

The purification room spun faster and faster, just like in the Magic Tree House books, when suddenly...

They all got their normal pants back.

The six former pygmies were now in a very neat bedroom with a desk and schoolbooks on the bed. Next to the textbooks, was a black iPhone.

L stood up off the floor, closely followed by Mello, Near, Matt, BB, and Matsuda.

The black haired detective took the device between his finger and thumb and held it up to face for observation.

On the screen was Oog island from pocket god. And on the island was a bieber haired teen dressed in a red tie, white shirt, and green hula skirt, looking shocked and terrified...

Ahh, revenge would be sweet, almost as sweet as sugary strawberry cake...:)

-  
Note: you can't make pygmies shoot other pygmies, unfortunately. Everything else you can do, except the hacker thing of coarse.

Also am not responsible for the half tiger man in hula skirt that crept into Sayu's room and tried to electrocute her...*sweatdrop*


End file.
